They say the ones who care the most always hurt the most, well isn’t that the truth?! I’ve delt with heartache more then most I believe but everyone goes through their own struggles and I definitely gone through mine. I haven’t given my self the credit I deserve for going through hell and making it back in one piece, or for having my heart broken into millions of pieces and having to put it all back together again.
One thing is for sure. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for the heartache I went through or the long journey it took to get to where I am. I think the majority of my adult life was consumed with trying to find love in all the wrong places. And boy were they the wrong places. Spending time after time with heartbreak after heartbreak on a$$holes after a$$holes was exhausting. I couldn’t find dates in normal places like the bar or on a fancy date set up by friends. No I turned to the one place where I thought rejection would be easier. I quickly downloaded meetme, tinder and finally plenty of fish. It became easier to have conversations with people who yet weren’t quite really in front of me.
Meeting guys online was kind of the new thing now and days so i became part of the trend, meeting my ex on one of those so call “dating apps”. I couldn’t begin to explain the disaster of our relationship that took over three years of my life or maybe the embarrassing fact that I actually was in love with someone like him. One thing was for sure we had a very toxic and not healthy relationship. Even after being told from friends and family that it was a waste of time I couldn’t fathom giving up on someone I thought I was suppose to spend forever with. All the warning signs were there and I choose to ignore themI look back at myself and can’t imagine what was I thinking. Why didn’t I just walk away. I didn’t walk away because I honestly thought that loved him, i genuinely cared about this person. Even after I saw text from other women, and different stories not adding up, I still choose to not walk away.
It wasn’t until I met Joe that I didn’t really know what love truly was, or what it was like to be treated correctly and to be cared for not only emotionally and physically but spiritually. Joe not only showed me what it was like to be loved but what it was like to cared for as a real human being.
I truly didn’t fully understand the toxicity of my past relationship but when I decided to walk away it was finally for the last time. I have grown to love myself even as hard as it is, but also to fight for what you want and learn that I wasn’t someone’s doormat. If I could write to myself 3years ago today. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. We fight the fight. What we thought was going to break us, really doesn’t. We all go through life’s challenges and there is hope.
Know your worth. There is hope. You are loved.
As I cope with the loss of a baby, and try to render my life back into normality It is hard to actually have faith that one day everything will be ok. A lot of things have changed in the 5 months after the loss. The one thing that hasn’t change is the constant support I have received from not only family, friends and coworkers but the massive amount Of support I have received from all around social media and people who know my story. The greatest thing is knowing I am not alone in my struggle.
I am a worrier, and I stress very easily so keeping myself busy definitely has helped with occupying my mind and actually moving forward in my life. A big part is to my boyfriend for reassuring me everything is going to be ok. I finally made a decision that after such a loss I deserve to put myself forward and follow my dreams. We only live one life and nothing is ever promised to us. As sad as my situation was and still is, moving forward in life is really the greatest gift I can give myself.
I have lost friends and family members but nothing prepared me for the loss I experienced after my miscarriage. Many people feel lost and confused and unsure of what to do after a loss and I know that was the truth for me. For weeks after I cried and cried and prayed for God to show me what to do. But, How do you move on? How can you just pretend like nothing ever happen? How can I love myself when my body failed me? No matter how many times family, friends, nurses and doctors told me that it wasn’t my fault, that I did nothing wrong. I blamed myself.
It has 4 months since the miscarriage and not a day goes by that I don’t think about what happened. A week and half after my miscarriage I had the courage to go back to work. Which I believe was truly a remarkable test within it self. The days after the loss I wasn’t sure if returning to work was the right choice, I work with children and I really prayed that it wouldn’t be difficult to carry everyday and not be constantly reminded of what couldn’t be. However I found that being around “my children” was one of the best things I could’ve done. Remembering my baby everyday but being able to move on as time goes on has become easier and reading day by day on how to move on for me is key. Listening to others stories and knowing that I am not the only one out there who has gone through what I have. I know deep down inside that I will have a baby of my own but it does not take away from the hurt I felt. Everyday I remember my angel that was never born but my angel you will always be. I know my journey isn’t over and anyone who is reading this who has gone through this please know you aren’t alone!
When I finally thought everything was going right, life had a funny way of slapping me in the face. I honestly thought that after the bad luck of someone totaling my car everything was turning around. Finding out I was pregnant was the best thing ever and came at a turning point in my life. Joe and I couldn’t wait to tell everyone about our exciting news! It felt like everything was happening just right until our world came crushing down on us.
I had always wanted to be a mother and when Joe and I had discussed our future and what we want and don’t want, children were a must. So when we found ourselves in the emergency room at 11.5 weeks pregnant we were worried. I had started off 3 days earlier with a little bit of spotting I didn’t think it was quite something to worry about. Google reassured me that it could just be due to intimacy I took it at face value, but when the bleeding continued I knew we had to go to the hospital. I had never been so scared before in my life, prayed to God that my little baby was ok.
When the doctor checked my cervix and it was closed I felt a little reassured that we my little one was ok. But the feeling started fading away as soon as I went back to ultrasound. Joe wasn’t allowed to go back with me and even worse, techs couldn’t tell me anything they saw. I resisted the urge to cry until I knew something was officially said to us. As we waited patiently Joe reassured me that we would make it through this and that he loved me.
We knew something was wrong when the doctor came in and didn’t only close the sliding doors but also the curtain. The look on her face I will never forget as she informed us that there was no heartbeat, the baby had stopped growing and we were in the process of having a miscarriage. The doctor was very sympathetic and very caring but she knew that no matter what she said, my world had just come crashing down.
I had lost family members, I had lost friends and yet nothing compared to the loss I felt when we were miscarrying. My faith in God was rocked, hating my body more than I had before, questioning everything I had ever felt or known. Leaving the hospital knowing nothing will ever be the same again and the process wasn’t over. The next few days were a blurred, our lives were filled with a lot of love and support from friends and family but we still had to face a grim reality. We had to wait and see if my body would go through what it needed to go through or have a procedure known as a D&C.(If you don’t know what this is GOOD. Google helped me find out but I wouldn’t suggest googling). Thankfully I didn’t have to have a D&C, and I tried to resume my life as routine as possible. Our miscarriage had brought us closer, it really showed us that life is to short and to just enjoy the moment were living.
Its been a while since I have written a post so I thought I would sit, relax and write….so here I go…….We as a people, not only as a couple but individuals have gone through some life changing events in the last 10months of our relationship. The love between us has grown tremendously since we have known each other and it continues to grow everyday. I realized I fell in love with my boyfriend back in June but it wasn’t until recently that I truly saw and even understood why I truly love this man.
You ever had a day that was truly the happiest day ever but the most nerve wreaking day all in one? A day that blows any other day out of the water. For weeks I have felt sick, nausea, headaches and weird stomach pain. Not knowing what was wrong and google being my best friend I finally decided to figure out what was wrong. So the morning of October 4th I woke up thinking ok, I am going to just get this out of my mind and decided to take a pregnancy test as I prayed to God he would guide me through what was bound to happen. I was waiting for the results but not paying attention to the actual time. My work alarm went off and I had to hurry out the door. The time for the test wasn’t up yet but my time was, I rushed out just quickly glancing at what I believed to be negative sign. I shoved the pregnancy test back into the original box and left. My whole day at work was thrown off and I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. I had always wanted to be a mother but maybe the time just wasn’t right. I got home that night and something felt off telling me to look again at the test but chances are false negatives never happen, rarely unheard of so what was the harm of looking again. I took the test out of the box and to my shocking result the test didn’t read negative! There before me read a clear positive
I was scared, nervous and a little bit excited for the news I was about to tell Joe. After the initial shock of the news we were ok. We decided to take it one day at a time and to retest a couple days later. We were disappointed when test after test for the next two weeks read negative. I thought for sure we would’ve been pregnant with the way I was feeling and just the timing and no menstrual cycle.I was very frustrated and concerned because if I wasn’t pregnant something was very wrong with my body and the outcome scared me more than pushing out a baby.
After our halloween party and weekend with friends Monday October 24 Joe and I had a serious conversation that weather or not we will make it through what ever the future holds. After Joe left for work I decided hell, I was just going to test for the hell of it and we had two extra test left. I sat there waited the 3 minutes it actually says to wait , I expected the same negative result as the prior 5 test but man was wrong. I sat there in shock and wanting to cry with relief. In my hand I held a positive pregnancy test . I couldn’t wait to call Joe and express the happiness I felt! At work on lunch I took another test reading positive. I took one more test later that day to make sure we were for sure pregnant and it was true. We were going to be parent! It was one of the happiest day of my life, I couldn’t believe this was coming true. My life long dream of being a mother was actually going to come true and I wouldn’t have wished it to be with anyone else other than the love of my life. I knew we were going to be great parents and Joe had my back no matter what. As the happiness set in I couldn’t help to be worried of what the future would hold but nothing could come close for what would happen almost two months later.
In March 2016 the last thing I was thinking about was entering into another yet failed relationship. I had fallen in love with a complete asshole, two years of my life gone and nothing resulting in anything remotely close to “true love”. My love life was headed on a downward spiral. I had a track record of guys only wanting one thing and one night dates. I wasn’t sure what to do. Online dating the place to find someone wasn’t turning out to be all that fantastic, but all that changed on Easter Sunday 2016.
Saturday March 26th, I ended up in the emergency room for a swollen face and excruciating pain. Ends up I had a infection on my tooth(an abscess). After 5 hours, pain drugs, a diagnoses and antibiotics I was ready for the day to be over. The following day I was ready to put the last 24 hours behind me.It was Easter Sunday, I got dressed up and was hanging out at home. I had been talking to a guy for a couple weeks and it seemed to be going great. We figured out we weren’t doing anything and we were both just hanging out at home. He asked to hangout and I was a little reluctant because I looked like I had marshmallows stuck in my cheek, but I said yes. Only problem was he had to come pick me up because I was on pain medication that didn’t allow me drive. Little did I know that my life was about to get a lot more exciting.
After my date picked me up I was starting to feel at ease. We got along great, It didn’t feel like we just meet 5 minutes before. He lived about 20 minutes away from my house at the time so it made for a fast car ride. Nervous as I was I felt just at home. We laughed, cracked jokes, and watch tv. Not to mention he was good looking, smelled good and looked great and my marshmallow cheek didn’t bother him, he even said I was a “cute chipmunk”. Needless to say that night went amazing. Weeks had past and I caught myself talking day and night with him, hanging out everyday and dinner dates all the time.He was the last thing I expected to happen to me but It was best thing that could. Who knew that one person can make you feel a thousand butterflies.
10months later I couldn’t imagine my life without him and we couldn’t be any happier. Love truly does come in mysterious ways and the best things happen when you least expect them to. When God closes one door, it is for the next greatest thing to come in through the next one. I spent so long trying to fix my last relationship that I truly forgot what being loved truly felt like. He is my everything and I wouldn’t be where I am without his love and support everyday and For you I am truly grateful.
This blog has been long time coming. I was laying in bed at the end of December trying to decide how to relieve some stress and it was either hold in all my emotions or write…so I decided what best way to write than a blog. It isn’t about people reading the post or announcing to the whole world my life. It is about expressing myself, shedding light to who I might be.
Writing a little bit about myself to shed some light about who I am. I have been writing for 10 years. I have always been a spiritual and emotional person growing up. I found an outlet while putting pen to paper and letting go of my emotions. Being able to express myself in other ways rather than keeping it all in was the best way I could imagine. Writing has open many different opportunities for me. I have written a couple short stories fiction and non fiction. Poems fill notebooks in my nightstand drawer and notes in my phone. Writing in a day in age where words are more important than ever for everyone around us.
I’ve learned throughout the years that everyone goes through things whether we understand it or not. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes might be hard but knowing personal tragedy isn’t. My writing is my own and comes from with in and my own personal life and opinions. Which is why I choose to start a blog to share my life, love and tragedies. Hoping some will gain comfort that they aren’t going through things alone.
Thank you for reading and hopefully you continue to read.